updated on may 16, 2026 while waiting in line for a very full café
thinking
that neuroplasticity can only take me so far. even if i try to convince myself i'm likable and charismatic, my hands shake, my back sweats -- i will continue to fumble every conversation i have with the people i'm not close to. i wonder if there's a future where i do not struggle to make and keep friends.
feeling
- anxious. meeting up with college friends i see every two years at most. i always have fun with them, but the lead up to it still worries me. time changes many things. i hope they arrive before i make it to the front of the line.
- doomed. sometimes the little things are not enough. yesterday i cried until my eyes were swollen shut and my mom asked what was wrong with me. i could only say that sometimes i just feel sad, then i changed topics and told her the vegan chicharon she bought was good.
- a little cold. i woke last night to the rain at 3AM. this morning is extra humid, but it's breezier than usual. maybe there's some joy in that.
occupying myself with
listening tofull playlist↗
