keeping a record
i would never consider myself type a, but i love my planner. i started using physical planners in 2018 or so when i first started college and have somehow kept the habit to this day, though with varying degrees of diligence every year. the pandemic was particularly difficult, there was not much joy in planning out when i had to turn on my computer to attend class, etc. and i lost touch very quickly with myself and with time. in 2023 i bought myself what i considered the uber-special hobonichi-techo to get my shit together, thinking that an expensive planner would encourage me to use it frequently. this failed, obviously. i stopped maybe midway through. i did not (and still do not) have enough thoughts in my head to fill a page a day.
but my boyfriend bought me a hobonichi weeks this year and i am determined not to waste it! itās become an integral part of my daily routine. i wake up every morning at 7, have a glass of water, feed my cats, and open it up to āofficiallyā start the day. itās the same each time.
- i list my agenda for the day: my meetings, events, or plans, then the tasks i need to accomplish, for work or otherwise.
- i fill out my habit tracker: i give myself a star for the things i did, and a smaller one for things half-done.
- i write a sentence or two about how iām feeling or about how the previous day went, and add a sticker if the page is feeling empty.
- i plan what kind of coffee i want to drink in advance too. iām not very good at making anything, but the variety letās me pretend a little. maybe yesterday was a montblanc, but today itāll be a mocha. itās never anything crazy.
i am trying to be meticulous. all the record-keeping gives my days an edge i can feel, even if it is a shape that i canāt describe (something like pressing my hand against the wall of a labyrinth).
anything i donāt track in my planner i track on my phone or online, partly projecting the illusion of control. like many others, iāve offered myself, my interests, and my experiences to the world to see. here are the books iāve read and how close theyāve brought me to my goal for the year. here are the movies iāve watched and who i watched them with. here are the songs i listen to most. here are the birds i have seen. here is the route i ran, how far and how fast. here is the perfume iāve bought and liked and tried. here is the list of anime and manga that speaks to me. and so on.
iāve come to use the internet almost like a diary, but i donāt give it nearly the same level of sanctity. though both are performances to some degree, one is more likely to be seen than the other. i would feel terribly vulnerable showing a full spread of my planner, but an entire blog post about it feels fine.
whatever it is: the diary, the journal, the blog, the online book-movie-run-bird-tracking app-website. iāve had to stop myself from saying sorry for disappearing. missing a day, week, month, etc. feels a lot like failing and falling behind. (or dropping ariadneās string. how will i know where and who iāve been? the gaps in my old planners are more distinct than whatever length of time i spent diligently writing.)
thereās comfort in knowing this apologia is not new. in 1883, beatrice webb wrote, āthe time rushes and I accomplish nothing,ā in her diary, and many other early diaries are the same written records of regrets for missed entries. thereās an interesting article i read last year (and it has been on my mind since) that said that the victorians are to blame for all this desperate self-monitoring. in their period of rapid industrialization, not unlike our own, they too sought tangible proof of their autonomy, their meaning/purpose, and their self-mastery.
i have not yet figured out how to outgrow the sentiment. the time will pass anyway, and perhaps the guilt will go with it. i will keep the habit in the meantime :)
lately, iāve been thinking i want to read more diaries and autobiographies. iāve never really tried beyond those iām-sure-very-fictional childhood retellings of historical figures ā cleopatra, a few princesses ā and of course, the diary of anne frank. though itās been long enough that i scarcely remember it now. if you have any recommendations, please let me know!
would also love to hear about your relationship with self-quantification/monitoring etc. how do you document your life? and how much does it matter to you?