forbearing
there is no value in romanticizing a life that does not move and cannot move. every light left on, speck of dust, wrinkle, and drip stain is accounted for. even when she’s not here, the camera she set up to watch our cats is now always watching me. so there’s no point in pretending 2025 was anything worthwhile. it was just another year i happened to be there for – the decisions to do anything were never my own, they were just whatever got approved. she tells me i’m no better than an animal. she has drawn the lead tight enough around my neck that i am beginning to believe her. what else could love like this?
even in my dreams lately, i am a horse, or some other skittish hoofed creature. the sky is filled with wild geese and i’m convinced they are leading me, calling me to follow. i run after them, almost alongside — but there is always this endless fence between us. it goes on and on. i could chase them forever and never close the distance.
if i could kill the part of me that obeys, i would. for now i cling to the tail of the ‘better’ somewhere ahead of me. i swear to myself up and down it’s there and within reach. i’ve tied the carrot to the stick myself! i will keep running forward, even if i lack the bravery to run free.
i think i am most afraid of leaving her behind.
hope you've been well. life has been, and i am being, despite it all!
the other day i asked my friends what word they felt best described them. they could not pick just one. (self-perception is a very difficult thing. i've recently discovered that the way i view myself is far from the way others view me, both in physicality and personality. but it is interesting to see what people think of themselves, however accurate or inaccurate to life it is.
ages ago i had another friend call me forbearing. to this day i think that is still the word i would use for myself too.