weakling
when the going gets tough, the tough get going – the people like me fold like losers instead. march has come in like a whirlwind. i’ve been caught up in it and blown about. amidst the usual woes of a job hunt, things have been more hectic and overwhelming than usual. it’s like i’m constantly on edge. the most minor inconveniences feel like the end of the world to me. i’ve been living my life in hyperbole and it’s starting to take a toll on my body.
i’ve started experiencing intermittent hives with no discernible cause. i’ve made no lifestyle changes, no dietary changes, etc. i thought it had been caused by some sort of higad (usually for hairy caterpillar, the type that causes rashes) at first. a week and some laundry loads later, i was speaking with an immunologist and an albularyo trying to figure out what was wrong with me. i still don’t know. it still hasn’t gone away, but i’m at least on medication and it helps control the spread. i’ve been told it’s stress. i hope it is. i’d rather it not be anything more serious.
my loved ones have been telling me i need to toughen up and to not cling to everything that worries me, but it’s a hard habit to break. i don’t even know where to start trying to unlearn it. i was once a teenage girl that prayed the rosary & attended masses everyday just for her dad to recover. he did not even last a year. after that, i stopped believing and started dooming myself. hope and faith did not save him. it cannot save everyone. it will not save me. i’m not always strong enough to wish for better anymore.
i’m turning 23 this year. it’s not old, but it’s older. i don’t think i can cope with my anxiety by overworking the way i used to. maybe i’m frailer than i used to be. maybe my threshold for struggle is lower. but with no idea of when things will get better, i’ve been trying to sleep a little earlier and breathe a little deeper. i arrange my desk every morning. i drink more water and less coffee. i take a bit longer in the shower and let myself run the hot water. i tell more friends what they mean to me. i’m making time for myself. i'm thinking with more mindfulness. it’s easier to tell when i’m starting to be irrational.
i’ve learned that the world spins a little slower when it's being watched. i can almost stop time when i'm trying hard to listen to & notice it. it makes every change feel a bit more bearable.
my friend once said about themself, “i am maybe not strong yet but stronger!” – and i’m holding it to my heart.
i’ll try to keep taking it one day at a time.