things that make my day
lately, i have been feeling this sort of chronic, lingering overwhelm (for lack of an actual proper noun to use, maybe “doom” works here too. given the state of the world maybe that is the most appropriate word). it started sometime at the end of march and i’ve struggled to shake it since. i feel sticky and sluggish almost everyday. both the dread sitting in the back of my mind and the oppressive heat here in the philippines have been working together to weigh me down. i often find myself pinned to the floor in front of my electric fan and doomscrolling on whatever social media site feels interesting that day.
few things have been able to motivate me to move or be productive. guilt or discipline will find me once in a while, but i struggle with staying consistent. sometimes i just feel like i don’t have the energy or desire to participate in my own life.
regardless, i recognize that things are not all bad, despite how i’ve been feeling. i’m trying to learn to be grateful for whatever pockets of joy i find – and maybe also learn how to let myself make and have them more often. here are a few!
1. drinking coffee
i will preface this by saying that this is the only thing on this list that i have every day because i do have a caffeine addiction. not having caffeine doesn’t make me grouchy or anything – i’m still a morning person, with or without it. but i do get severe migraines if i go too long without coffee or tea.
but even though this is something i never skip for fear of the consequences, i really do enjoy the routine of making and having coffee every morning. i use my mom’s delonghi magnifica s currently, but i’m excited to graduate from it soon. i finally bought my own espresso machine this year (a breville bambino plus!), and i’m eagerly awaiting its arrival.1 i dream of la marzocco, but it’s truly only a dream. it’s so far out of my price range, i’ve resolved to just love them from afar.
i’ve been having mostly iced lattes because of the weather, but i typically prefer mine hot. steaming my oat milk2 and attempting to make latte art is an important part of the experience. even though i’ve been practicing it for more than a year now, i’m still horrible at it even if i have improved to some extent. i like seeing how much i’ve progressed. the dopamine hit is just as delicious as the drink itself.
2. lighting a candle
when my mom has fallen asleep, and my boyfriend is not calling me to come play league of legends (sorry) or mtg, or something else3 – i boil a mug of hot water, light a candle, and sit down in a lounge chair to read in the dark. in my head, i call this my quiet time. i don’t talk to anyone, touch my phone, or let myself be bothered by anything. it’s just me and whatever world or story is at hand. at minimum, i always go until my candle has burned long enough to keep it from tunneling, and then i go straight to bed.
my favorite candles are the wooden wick candles from trader joe’s that my mom brought home earlier this year. whenever i light them, i make sure not to play any music, just so i can hear the way they crackle. but because they’re huge, it takes more time for the wax to melt all the way to the edge.
unfortunately, work has been busy and i’ve been starting my quiet time later and later4, so i’ve been using our smaller, less noisy (and therefore, less fun) candles instead.
3. taking a long shower
for a good period of my high school and college lives i had a pixie cut. i kept my hair short because i hated my natural texture. it was insanely thick and frizzy and unmanageable–nothing like the sleek and shiny kpop idol/model/actress' hairstyles i kept showing to my stylists as inspiration. i’d always come out of the salon crying because it looked nothing like the picture.
then, during the pandemic i questioned if i had curly hair, tried a routine, and gave up after seeing no results. a couple years later, on my cruise in europe, my eldest sister (whom i had taught the curly-girl method to as well) did my hair for me and things suddenly clicked into place. i had somehow just been really bad at it and i had not bothered trying out different products. i *did *have wavy hair. i had just given up too quickly.
now that i’ve started taking better and proper care of it, i’ve started to love my hair. i haven’t cut it since the cruise (save for my bangs and the occasional trim to get rid of split or dead ends). and it has grown long.
that being said, long hair means equally long showers on wash days. i have to set aside 40-60 minutes for it, but i always come out feeling refreshed and like-new.
4. braiding my hair
even at 24, part of me longs to look like a medieval fairy-princess. it has infected the clothes i buy, the jewelry i wear, and recently, the way i do my hair. i’ve saved a bunch of tutorials on different sorts of braids and updos, but they’re still something i only do when i’m going out.
when i’m at home, because its too hot to leave my hair nakalugay (translation: hanging loosely, flowing) i’ll put it up in a claw clip and call it a day, even if i keep breaking them. sometimes i’ll do a ponytail or a super loose bun as an alternative. but i realize now, why am i not just braiding my hair at home too, especially when i know i like it so much?
sure it takes longer to do, but what am i rushing for all the time anyway? am i so eager to return to the bed-rotting for the day? it’s fine for me to braid my hair just because it feels pretty.
i read back through my list and realize that i just like taking my time. my days are better when i’m letting myself live through them: when i’m following a recipe for a coconut cream espresso in the morning, when i’m lighting the long-burning candle for my quiet time, when i’m listening to my favorite podcast while washing my hair, or when deciding how to wear it before heading out.
and maybe that’s how to deal with all the heaviness. i keep forgetting joy doesn't arrive in sudden, life-altering ways. i shouldn’t be treating whatever small pleasures i have as things to be earned, and i need to let myself take my time and be more mindful and intentional. i need to let the ordinary days have something special. even if it’s tiny. (especially if it’s tiny!)
i’ll try to use the nice china more often. if there are so few joys lately, why would i still withhold them from myself?
in a world where i did not have to worry about bills and the daily cost of living, i would love to be a barista (or maybe a librarian) of course, this is coming from someone who has never been a service worker. i just romanticize the idea of clocking out and not having to think about work after hours.↩
the oat milk that i use got reformulated recently and everyone i know has been complaining that it's thin, watery, and tastes like fish. i still have a bunch of old stock in my pantry because i buy in bulk, but i’m devastated.↩
sometimes i tell him i am sleeping early so i can go do this instead, even though he also knows i do this.↩
or not at all. my last was on the 23rd of april. i'm sorely missing my own time with myself.↩