forgetting about
i have realized that i have a bad habit of lying. i think it is easier to hold the world at a distance when i can wreathe myself in an untruth. so in the very sunny, tropical country where i live, i wear them like thick winter jackets. they're obvious to everyone and can barely be criticized as something malicious. i'm constantly lying about how stupid i am, how shallow, how selfish, how incapable. i know by now i'm just afraid of my own potential, or lack there of. i regularly put myself down so i don't have to hold myself to higher standards.1 this hurts me more than anyone else, really. still, it's always the first sin i mention whenever i am forced to go to confession — which happens at least two times a year, like the dentist. consider it my biannual cleansing of teeth and soul.
i want to say that despite this, i'm incredibly lucky to have so many people in my life who see me. i've been with the same partner for almost seven years now & i've been with the same group of friends for even longer. they've given me space to be myself: to be stupid as myself. to be selfish, shallow, and incapable as myself, and i am known and loved in spite of it. (or is it because of it?). i'm thankful all the same! i can only hope to mirror the love they give me. it's gentle & constant work. but they're all worth it.
even now, i exert myself trying to talk about this feeling at all. i still open every love letter i write with a disclaimer that i have not found the best words, nor the best order for them. i honestly don't think i ever will! but i'm three parts human and all parts longing, which means i love just like everyone else does. i'll keep trying all the same. february was just barely long enough for me to get my thoughts together & i still think they're all over the place. each reread makes me feel even clumsier and more incoherent, but i know this needs to go somewhere now or it will sit in editing purgatory forever.
before i go, ill drop this song by sibylle baier that i've been listening to a lot recently. it's unbearably soft and gentle, and i think it captures the love i've been trying to talk about perfectly.
this applies here too. i was reluctant to start a blog because i didn't really think i had anything valuable to say. i still think i don't. but my friends cared enough to encourage me to make one, so i did.↩